I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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