woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
