I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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