she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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