I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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