From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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