The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
