I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
