Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
