I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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