i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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