I puked a lego.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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