eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
