My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I love having hate sex.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i need some magic done to my vagina
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
