Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
