I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
