dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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