I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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