I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
