Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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