I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
