all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
