so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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