I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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