Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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