if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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