I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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