They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
