I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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