4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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