I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
