She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
