You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
