We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
