1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
