stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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