So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
