Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
