went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
