My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
