and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
