I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize