i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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