also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
