Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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