Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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