So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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