I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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