I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
