insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
