the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
