I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
