omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
