I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
